You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
