Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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