You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
