she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
