Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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