You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Randomize
