the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
