From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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