Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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