the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Congratulations! We have a period
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