I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
