I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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