Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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