He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
