Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
This is classic penis vs brain.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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