So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
