3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
