am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
