My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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