I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
