dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
