Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
