just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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