thus making me awesome and them whores
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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