we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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