So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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