After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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