Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
