Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
