We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
