Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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