a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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