if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i permit you to call me
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We were destined to go to rehab together
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
