My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
