one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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