By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
