first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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