News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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