Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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