My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
