I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
