Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
