i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
