she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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