I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I have post one night stand depression
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