I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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