too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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