So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
