i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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