Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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