There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
