i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
